


Episode One: The Phantom Goose

by Evekle



Series: Goose Wars [1]
Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Goose comes to Paris to wreck havoc, d'Artagnan is ready to throw hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:27:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29415606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evekle/pseuds/Evekle
Summary: The valiant beginnings of the origins of Duck the Goose. In which the Musketeers try and stop the menace from flipping Paris upside down.
Relationships: Aramis | René d'Herblay & d'Artagnan & Athos | Comte de la Fère & Porthos du Vallon, d'Artagnan & Constance Bonacieux
Series: Goose Wars [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184351
Comments: 9
Kudos: 8





	Episode One: The Phantom Goose

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rthecynic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rthecynic/gifts), [A_Confused_Kitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Confused_Kitten/gifts), [RedWillows](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedWillows/gifts).



D’Artagnan decides that goose are the menace in society and no farmer should own a goose, himself included. 

The entire fiasco is something which feels out of a fever dream. 

He hates geese now. 

* * *

It goes something like this: 

The Inseparables are out on a walk around Paris, sharing jests with each other, a rare smile on Athos’ lips. It’s nice to have nothing on their shoulders, even if it’s one day. 

Of course that’s when a cart crashes in front of them. 

And a goose flies off. One big white bird singing off into the land of freedom in Paris. 

“No! Not the goose!” the man cries out, stumbling after the creature. 

D’Artagnan raises a brow, the question evident. Athos sighs even as Porthos and Aramis chuckle. Meanwhile he only hopes it’s easy to catch a goose. It should be. 

(He later regrets believing catching a bird will ever be easy.) 

“Do you need help?” Athos prompts. 

The farmer blinks. 

“Do you think I do?” 

Aramis glances over at the farmer for a moment, the very cart in the middle of the city street. 

“I’d reckon you’re doing alright, monsieur,” the sharpshooter quips. 

Porthos jabs him. 

“I-” the farmer begins before biting his tongue. “Yes I need help. You  _ must  _ help me catch the goose! If you don’t-” 

“They will burn down all of Paris,” Porthos chimes. 

D’Artagnan face palms. “I don’t believe a goose has  _ that  _ much power-” 

“They  _ do!”  _

Athos rolls his eyes. Without another word, the four of them are running off, the honking of the goose seemingly coming from everywhere. 

-

The bird  _ somehow  _ manages to cause three more carts to crash, robbed a lady’s jewels, and stole a musketeer’s hat. This calls for death. And yet the four of them can’t even find the bird. Everywhere they go, the very honk mocks them. 

D’Artagnan wants to strangle said goose already. 

He didn’t jump out a window to be told that a goose will beat him causing havoc. The gascon groans as he comes out another building. Aramis is out conversing with Porthos, polishing his pistol again. Athos is nowhere in sight. 

“Are you thinking of shooting the bird?” he asks, running a hand through his locks. 

Aramis shrugs. 

“Depends on how uncollaborative the bird is being.” 

“And it’s for Paris’ safety that the bird does not ruin what we have established,” Porthos adds in. 

In the distance, he hears a honk. They look at each other. Apparently it’s at the Garrison. The three of them run without another word said. 

-

Athos is currently losing to the goose. The bird is hissing, with its neck craned forward. A warning. D’Artagnan decides he wants no part in this, his Gascon farm days weren’t training for  _ this _ . 

“Ah the menace is here,” Aramis quips, grabbing some rope. Porthos only shakes his head. 

D’Artagnan only chooses to stand back. Athos shoots him a glare, only to get a shrug back. 

“And we need to catch this bird  _ now _ ,” Athos calls out. “Before it destroys all of Paris.” 

The musketeer has no hat. Athos is  _ hatless _ . Instead, the goose has gained possession of the feathered item. 

“It took your hat!” 

“Quick, before it robs all of Paris!”

“Grab them!” 

And the dance begins again as three well trained men try to catch the goose. Whenever any of them get close, the bird flies off, repositioning itself. D’Artagnan shouldn’t find it as funny as he does. 

It feels like hours. 

“Aramis, shoot the goose.” 

“I am  _ not  _ shooting a goose.” 

“It’s something to consider Aramis,” Porthos says, glaring at the goose. 

Said white menace only honks. D’Artagnan sighs, maybe he really must channel his farmboy energy to save all of Paris from a goose. The honking really is getting annoying. 

“Give me the rope,” he says. Maybe he’s getting a migraine from the constant noise. “Good thing I was a farmer before all of-” 

The goose honks. 

“Shame on you shooting a goose Athos.” 

How hard can this be? 

In a few quick steps, he approaches the goose as one would a cat. Cautiously, d’Artagnan holds his hand out. The goose waddles closer with a sparkle in their beady little eyes. 

There’s a beat. 

Then another. 

And the goose  _ bites  _ him. 

“You  _ bastard!”  _ he curses, quickly he turns over back to the other three who are snickering. “Aramis, shoot the goose.” 

“What has the goose done?” Constance’s voice cuts through the haze. D’Artagnan sucks on his fingers, the damn bird managed to draw blood. 

“It stole my hat.” 

“And also robbed a good lady’s jewels,” Aramis chimes. 

“And also tipped over three carts.” 

She rolls her eyes. 

“It’s the spawn of Satan,” Porthos says. The goose only honks, somehow it has managed to wear Athos’ hat. Quite charming. 

“It just  _ bit  _ me!” 

Constance just shakes her head, walking over to the goose. Said goose stops hissing. Every waddle it takes feels like a mockery. Still, it would not be a gentleman's move to shoot the thing. 

“Goose is perfectly fine, now where did they come from?” she asks, looking around. 

The musketeers all blink. Once, then twice. 

“C’mon now Goose, let’s go find your owner.” 

It waddles ahead, each step a skip. The four musketeers share glances at each other. 

What was that? 

* * *

“Oh thank you so much for locating the goose!” the Farmer says with a grin so large it almost splits his face in half. 

“It’s not a problem,” Constance responds. 

“Though-” 

D’Artagnan only holds his hand closer to his chest. It still hurts. The others only shake their heads. The next words sends a shiver down his spine. 

“Goose seems to like you so why don’t I offer them as a gift for helping me locate them? And avoiding Paris from being burnt down.” 

“Hold on,” Porthos cuts in. “You’re offering us a goose for finding said goose.” 

“It’s the spawn of Satan though,” Aramis adds. 

“Which is why I only had one.” 

The cart is back on its wheels again, he’s not sure when. And before anyone can stop the farmer, the man is riding off. 

Free of the goose. 

“Honk!” the goose greets. “Honk! Honk!” 

This is not going to be fun. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So this started off as a joke in the discord chat. (Honk fic becomes goose fic basically and now they're separate things).
> 
> Big thank you to Willows, Ches and Sam for this. 
> 
> Yell at me about fandom on tumblr and discord!  
> Tumblr: Evekle  
> Discord: EliNLE #2838


End file.
